by Andrea Lau

Have you ever...

Secretly lusted after somebody?
This is easy.

Hugged somebody?
It’s when I don’t return hugs that people get mad.
I’d been practising, though, with you.

Held hands or otherwise displayed public affection?
“Do you think you’ll ever warm up to me?� you asked.
It’ll have to be awfully cold.
“That’s what I figured,� you said.

Been kissed below the neck, but not including arms or hands?
Why yes, yes I have.

Stroked, fondled,
Licked, sucked, or nibbled?
You know, this test might be fun in a group situation.

Had your ear or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked, or nibbled?
What’s the noun for erogenous?
Because I want one of those.
They sell them by the dozen and by the bridge and by the fire too.

Come to think of it
We might have built log fires together in the nude.
Come Yule again,
If we’d scrolled down far enough.

Been spanked?
Yes, once, when I was five or six
(Having broken something fragile, but that said, I don’t remember what it was)
And I would hope again, sometime soon.
I never said I wasn’t a masochist.

Urinated from a height greater than the fifth floor, or equivalent height, above ground level?
Now you’re just getting technical.

Scroll down far enough, m’lord,
You’d discover just how kinky I am.

Practised scoptophilia?
That reminds me of that list you sent me
The one with all the fetishes.
And I confessed I was rather intrigued by the idea of mixophilia
So you said, “Should I put a mirror on the roof?�

Been an exhibitionist?
What’s the opposite of museum?
You can touch, but you can’t look.

Check over shoulder.
Check the box.

Engaged in sexual activities in any moderate-sized, road-based vehicle not in excess of 30,000 pounds net unladen gross weight?
Now that’s something to be proud of.

Used the Purity Test as a checklist of things you could do?
Somebody wise once said,
“The story that might have been
Is the saddest tale never told.�
I’ll write you that tragedy
And ship it to you
In 321 unchecked boxes sealed with a fond kiss on the cheek.

You answered yes to 79 of 400 questions.
You are 80.2% pure.
I am sorry.
Congratulations.

Andrea Lau is a journalism student who wants to write fantasy. When she was a little girl, she liked to pretend her pencil crayons were armies. Andrea is also attracted to apples, absinthe and Alexander the Great.